Kate Norlander

I really should…

Sometimes it feels like there is an overwhelming amount of stuff we should do.

We should exercise, eat right, and get enough sleep. But it’s important not to exercise too close to bedtime or too soon after a meal.

We should create complex passwords that we change frequently and set up two-step verification for all accounts, but it’s important not to get your code via SMS.

We should have multiple streams of income, because no job is safe these days.

If we are homeowners, we should bring in inspectors once a year to check the air conditioner, furnace, roof, pipes and more.

We should only keep things that spark joy.

If we want to live life on our own terms, we should do these 50 things. (I find it ironic and amusing that, in order to live life on my own terms, I should do things like taking cold showers — even though I hate being cold — because the author told me to.)

Many of these things are important and/or good. But if you try to do everything the “experts” say you should do, you’ll end up with an impossible to-do list. One woman came up with a 95-item list of things she should do each day if she were follow advice she found on the Internet.

But wait… there’s more!

Forget the so-called experts. Lots of people in your life — even strangers — will eagerly tell you what you should do. If you are single, you should get married. If you are heterosexual, married, and childless, you should have a baby. If you are a mother, you should stay home with your child until s/he starts school. (A woman once told me, upon discovering I was a working mom, that women wouldn’t have to work outside the home if families went camping instead of taking vacations to Disneyworld or Europe. I kind of regret not using some very strong language to let her know how wrong she was.)

I realize that in some ways, I am telling you what you should do in my blog. But I try hard to make my posts inspirational, not dictatorial.

Take a stand against the “shoulds”

Sometimes I write posts filled with advice for myself. If ever there was advice I needed to follow, it’s this: Stop living your life according to what you should do.

I know that there are things you really should do for your own health and welfare. And if you’re a caregiver, there are things you should do for those you care for. But a life ruled by “shoulds” will leave you feeling like you’re never doing enough. You’ll always need to do more. How are you going to stay on top of a full-time job, a side gig, an exercise routine, healthy home-cooked meals, quality time with loved ones, housework, a 10-step Korean skincare routine, eight hours of sleep, and all the other things you should be doing?

You’re not. Something’s gotta give. Don’t let that something be your mental or physical health.

My life is filled with to-do lists. I’ll never finish them. One way I’ve been working to cope with this is to set boundaries. I try to keep Sundays work-free. (I confess I have blown that commitment this Sunday. One of the many things I’m working on is this blog post!) Taking breaks from all the things I should do and, as much as possible, indulging in some “should-free” time makes me a happier person.

A bigger challenge for me is reducing the “shoulds” in my life. I am addicted to goals and to-do lists. Leo Babauta, a minimalist I admire, talks about a goal-free life. Part of me thinks he has a point, and part of me thinks he is crazy. Related to this “no goals” idea, many people recommend ditching your to-do list in favor of focusing on one thing (or, at most, three things) you must accomplish today. I’ve tried this, but I always feel the weight of the “shoulds” and back down.

Perhaps people like me live by “shoulds” because we’re afraid that otherwise we wouldn’t do many of the things we need to do. If there wasn’t a law about filing our income tax returns by April 15, who among us would get around to doing them, even if we believe in the benefits of taxes? Filling out tax forms is a pain in the ass. So I dutifully add taxes to my to-do list.

What does this have to do with making a difference?

Few of us can entirely escape “shoulds,” but we can resist living a life dominated by them. If you are weighed down by what you should do, you will crumble under that weight or become bitter. Neither of these outcomes is conducive to making a difference in the world.

I have a hard time swallowing it, but Leo’s “no goals” suggestion is a good one. If you stop orienting your life around goals and action steps and start doing what you’re passionate about, it could be life-changing. When your life isn’t full of “shoulds,” you’ll have more time and energy for the things that move you – like making a difference.

In many ways, this idea isn’t all that different from what Jesus said about the greatest commandment. It’s easy to structure your spiritual life around a list of “shoulds”: I should pray. I should give to charity. I should go to worship services. Like many “shoulds,” these aren’t bad things. But if you live a love-oriented life, you’ll end up doing things you should do without needing to follow a checklist.

If you, like me, aren’t ready to give up your goals and to-do lists, consider trying to do the next best thing: start blocking out time on your calendar and fight to keep it “should-free.” As I failed to honor that commitment today, you’ll probably fail sometimes, too. But it’s liberating to spend time not thinking about all the things you should do, so keep trying.

And start questioning all the things you “should” do. You’ve probably seen the bumper sticker: “Well-behaved women seldom make history.” I’d like to propose a variation on that: People who spend their lives doing what they should do will never fully realize would they could do.

Be a rebel. Fight the “shoulds.”

 

Anyone who has daydreamed about adventures in fantastical worlds will relate to the filk song “Rich Fantasy Lives”  by Rob Balder and Tom Smith.

We’re piling up fears, but we’re out of frontiers.
Some need to escape, but there’s nowhere.
Can’t go to the Moon, at least any time soon,
But an inner-space trip costs you no fare.

Life is filled with commutes, meetings, chores, errands, and other things that feel neither exciting nor meaningful. Many of us yearn for something more. And so, we escape into worlds where the Doctor is the only one standing between the Earth and invading aliens, where two ordinary hobbits must journey through Mordor on a quest to save Middle Earth, where Ms. Marvel protects Jersey City from destructive forces.

We Can Harness This Yearning to Do Something Good

If we crave adventure, there are all sorts of ways we can try to fill that hole in hearts. Some people quit their jobs and travel around the world. Others embrace an active lifestyle, spending their evenings and weekends rock climbing, surfing or riding mountain bikes. These are fine things, but if part of your desire for adventure springs from a wish to make a difference, they may not help you toward that goal unless they are tied to charitable activities.

Here are a few ways you can pursue an adventurous life that is also meaningful:

• Devote yourself to a cause. I recently wrote a post about how important it is to think big. If you are particularly concerned about an issue, why not dedicate yourself to tackling it? Read everything you can get your hands on. If you’re able, attend conferences about your pet cause. Follow experts on social media. Ask them questions. Volunteer. Donate. Write letters to politicians. Start a blog. If you start focusing your time, energy and money on something like fighting climate change or helping the homeless, you’ll almost certainly find that your life has become more adventurous.
• Step outside your bubble. If you just want to be a tourist, you can travel all over without leaving your bubble. But if you’re willing to engage with people who aren’t like you and ideas that you’ve never considered, you can have an adventure without ever leaving home.
• Set up a personal quest. How many people can you cheer up with a smile and a friendly word over the course of the day? How many good deeds can you squeeze into one day? What if you decided you will never go through a drive-through again without paying for the person behind you and leaving a generous tip for the person who serves you? What if you did something crazy, like dressing up as a superhero and visiting children in the hospital?
• Think of ways to bring bits of your daydreams into real life in order to do good. Wish you were the Doctor? One of the Doctor’s many wonderful qualities is the way s/he relates to people as individuals. How many times have you heard the Doctor ask someone — with genuine interest — “What’s your name?” Bring that practice into your own life. Yes, this is a far cry for actually having a TARDIS and traveling anywhere in time and space, but if you emulate your heroes in whatever ways you can, you may find you’re a little more satisfied with your life.

All the personal quests in the world may not stop you from wishing you’d receive a letter from Hogwarts one day, and that’s okay. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with escaping into a fantasy world for a while through books or videos or games or daydreams. But if you’re yearning for adventure, why not see how you can use that desire to change yourself and the world for the better?

Note: I’m taking a break from the blog. The next post will be on Monday, February 18, 2019.

 

We all experience pain of some sort. A relationship goes south. A government shutdown cuts off your family’s source of income for weeks. The doctor sits you down to give you bad news. Someone you love is depressed, and it’s tearing you apart, because you can’t fix it for them. Or you’re the one who’s depressed, and the meds aren’t working. A complete stranger looked at you with pure hatred and uttered an unforgivable word, because you are [a person of color, gay, homeless…].

I want to make this clear: You have every right to feel your feelings. You aren’t a bad person for suffering. It’s part of the human condition. And if you’ve been taught that it’s wrong to feel sad or angry, I have one bit of advice: Read the Psalms. I believe in a God who created humans with a wide range of emotions. Our emotions aren’t bad; it’s what we do with them that counts.

This post is about what we do with our emotions. It’s perfectly okay to feel them. But if we want to make a difference in the world, we can not only feel our emotions but also transform our pain into something good for someone else.

• Pain can give us empathy. You don’t need to go through a painful situation to feel empathy for others, but it helps. That said, if that pain is in your past, it’s important to keep in mind that your past doesn’t make you an expert in someone’s current situation. My first year out of college, I was poor. I qualified for food stamps, though I didn’t realize that until after the fact. Within a couple of years, I was much more financially secure, but I don’t pretend that because I escaped poverty with relative ease, everyone else can, too. I was raised in an upper-middle class family and could have run home to my parents. And I had lots of advantages that others don’t have, like an expensive college education. I can empathize with people who are struggling to make ends meet and failing, but I’d be a fool if I thought I could “fix” them based on my experience.
• We can reflect on what would have been helpful — or what was actually helpful — and extend that help to others. I’ve written about how I try to bring others freezer meals, because when I was a new mother, it would have made my day if someone had given us a meal. In a similar vein, I remember when I was going through a bit of teenage heartbreak over a boy who asked someone else to prom. My sister went out to dinner with me on prom night, and I had a wonderful time with her. It didn’t completely take away the heartache, but it was a bright spot in a time that felt dark to me. How can I do that for someone else?
• We can channel our feelings into something good. Some great nonprofits have benefited from the dismay many people feel over the current political situation in the United States. Many other people chose to run for office… and won. Places of worship have started asking: What can we do to serve refugees? Outrage, fear, sorrow — it’s okay to feel all of these things, but we also can use those feelings to work toward changing things.

If you’re hurting, doing these things won’t magically fix your pain, though they might ease it. But they are ways to transform your pain into something that can help other hurting people. Since we all suffer, let’s use our suffering to accomplish something good.

 

Small Things Are a Big Deal

Most of my posts about making a difference are about small, achievable ways you can help change the world. Whether it’s taking pictures of your hotel room in order to fight human trafficking or honoring your commitments, small things really matter. A year ago I recommended going easy on yourself, because I believe in the value of things such as cutting back and focusing on growth rather than perfection.

Over the course of your life, you may accomplish big things, but you will accomplish far more small things. In fact, small things may be all you accomplish. But that’s not something to fret about. Small things really can make a difference. Think about things that have touched your life. Odds are, they were small. Maybe someone treated you like you really mattered at a time when you were questioning your worth. Maybe a friend or family member got you the help you needed when you were unable to help yourself. A tiny drip from the roof of a cave builds up over time into astonishing formations. In the same way, little acts of kindness can have an impressive impact.

Small things can be powerful.

But That Doesn’t Mean You Shouldn’t Think Big

That said, I think we should give ourselves permission to think big. Although plenty of people will tell you to dream big, others say that big dreams are dangerous, maybe even evil. We’re told that when we set goals, we need to make sure they are realistic and achievable within a certain time frame. We’re told that we can’t change the world, we can only change ourselves, and that accordingly, we should keep our expectations in check. I’ve even run across an excellent blog post by someone who has come to the conclusion that when people try to change the world, they may be putting themselves in the place of God.

On the one hand, each and every one of these people has a point. If I expect to establish world peace over the next year, I’m going to fail. And it’s important for any of us who want to change the world to approach the issues that concern us with humility and a sense of our human limitations. It’s also important to acknowledge that there will always be plenty of evil in the world. We may be able to change the world, but you and I are not going to save the world.

On the other hand, I’m glad that some of my heroes, such as William Wilberforce, didn’t listen to advice like that.

My recent reading has included a biography of Wilberforce, which I may review in a future post. Wilberforce played a major role in abolishing the British slave trade. He didn’t think small, nor did he worry that he was trying to be god-like by judging slavery as wrong and working toward abolition. He didn’t say, “Well, I can’t change the world; I’ll just focus on changing myself.” Instead, year after year, for decades, he used his position as a member of parliament to try to outlaw the slave trade. He was not a fan of the camp that promoted abolishing slave trade “gradually” — an “achievable” goal. He saw that for what it was: kicking the can down the road. His faith in God and his belief that slavery was evil moved him to attempt to achieve an audacious goal. And for the most part, he achieved it.

But Wilberforce did not completely achieve his goal, and he did, in fact, break things down into (somewhat) smaller, more “achievable,” steps. Ultimately, he wanted to see slavery abolished, but he felt that it would be easier to outlaw the slave trade first. He accomplished his initial goal, but he wasn’t able to oversee the abolition of slavery; instead, he was presented with additional problems to tackle. British colonies were continuing to receive illegal supplies of slaves, so he had to fight to make sure the new law was enforced. And because other nations were still engaging in the slave trade, he spent years pushing for treaties that required these nations to abolish the practice. The British act abolishing slavery was passed eight years after Wilberforce retired, right around the time of his death.

In light of all this, and given the fact that slavery still exists (illegally) in the world today, you could argue that Wilberforce ultimately accomplished very little. But I believe that people like Wilberforce, who refuse to think small, really do make a big difference. If not for Wilberforce and other abolitionists, where would we be today? Slavery may still exist, but at least it’s illegal!

Wilberforce bit off more than he could chew. Each year he tried to succeed at something that took decades to accomplish, and even then, the work wasn’t done. But what he and others like him did was more than most people will manage to accomplish, all because they pursued big dreams of a better world.

So by all means, think small. Most of us will never be another Wilberforce…  and even if you or I manage to make a huge impact on the world, we should never neglect the many things we can accomplish through small actions.

But if you feel moved to tackle some great evil in the world, it’s okay to think big! There are no guarantees that you will accomplish what you set out to do. You’ll need to be prepared to persevere in the face of discouragement, year after year after year. You’ll need to work with others, including people who are younger than you, so they can take the reins from you when you’re gone. And you’ll need to realize that a victory is not the end, because there will always be problems that bubble up. But the world needs people who think big and attempt the impossible. Don’t be afraid to join them.